Summertime, and My Living is Queasy

Today was June 1st, which means school is out. Which, it just dawned on me, means NO MORE school. For THREE months. Summertime! And I wasn't prepared. We had our second-semester parent-teacher conference just a few weeks ago, right?

Oh, I knew this day was coming, like the GM bankruptcy . . . but whammo slammo. Not this fast! Last night Mr. M asked if he could stay up late, contending he had no school today. My heart started pounding.

Sure enough, it was true. I consulted my calendar and promptly swore. I had two hearings this morning. TWO! And all I could do was take him with me. "Grab your headphones" I screamed over the morning din. "I don't want the judge hearing your Leapster game in the lobby!"

Usually I am in and out in of these morning hearings fast (for boring reasons I won't go into here). It might take me forty-five minutes, tops. So I wasn't worried about getting Mr. M to his tennis camp at 11:30 a.m.

But this morning? Nooooooo. I was down there until 11:00 a.m. While I cross-examined the officers, Mr. M sat out in the lobby with a lone banana in his stomach, playing his Leapster. At one point (and thankfully we were off the record), Mr. M climbed up on a chair and there we saw his little face, peering at us through the conference room/court room glass window. "Look!" said the officer. "He's been framed!"

And a hearty laugh was had by all. All but me, that is. "Get down from that chair this instant," I said in a loud clip. At the next break, I walked past him and he said, "I do have feelings, you know," as if I could drop what I was doing and pause for a feel-good chat. "Umm, yeah, feelings, so . . . ?" I said. "You hurt my feelings when you yelled at me," Mr. M said. "No, Mr. M. I spoke to you firmly. I spoke to you firmly."

Then there were two telephone hearings this afternoon.

Two mom friends came over with their children to swim and said they'd keep an eye on Mr. M while I ran inside for these two quick hearings (which, again, for boring reasons I won't bore you with here, are always extremely short). The moms had to leave by four p.m. No problem, I thought. "I'll just be inside for a few minutes," I told them at three.

But the hearings took FOREVER. All of a sudden, in the middle of my cross, Mr. M burst into the kitchen. This is what you would see on a typed transcript:
____________________________

Me: Now, officer, did you do any preliminary testing on [the defendant] before you started the smooth pursuit phase of HGN?

Mr. M (making great crashing SWAT team sound): DORITOS! WHERE ARE THE DORITOS?

Me (pointing at the phone and furiously lip-synching I AM ON THE PHONE WITH A JUDGE!): Hiss. (Then I silently hand him the bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos).

Mr. M (yelling): NO! THE BLUE ONES, THE COOL RANCH ONES!!

Me (heaving the blue bag at Mr. M's stomach): So sorry, officer. It's the first day of summer, my son is home, and I had someone watching him in the backyard. But, uh, apparently there's been sort of a breakdown. I'm buying him off now with a bag of Doritos.

Judge: chortles.

Officer: Oh, no problem at all. I totally understand. I've got two little ones. They are sitting right here next to me, going crazy because they can't say a word.
________________________________

Aaaaargh. He's got his kids under control and I've got mine in Dorito control.

After the phone hearings, I walk my mom friends to the car. They've got to leave, you see, to get the VBS packet for tomorrow.

VBS. VBS? I'm confused. Yes, they say, as if I'd asked them what tooth paste was. You know, Vacation Bible School.

VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL? Of course! Yet despite all the years I went to "VBS," I totally forgot it even existed.

My kid is trapped in Vacation Law School and I am so going to hell.