HoneyPie Horse at Our Feet are the Same has challenged me to list seven of my most awesome aspects. But before I do, I have a few questions for you.
1. Why, in the words of Mr. M, do I always say "no," never let him have any fun, and hardly ever let him watch television or cross busy streets? Why am I always "so mean?" I'm not the only mean mom who always, nevers, and hardly-evers, right? Mother's Handbook?2. Why did my contractor say "that was beyond the scope of our bid" when I ordered honed marble for the bathroom and his fabricator failed to seal it? I had no idea honed marble had to be sealed or else we'd suffer indelible water spots; I thought it was shiny marble that needed sealing.
This honing/sealing debacle means our glasses leave behind lovely snow-flake patterns, permanently etched into the marble. Our wet footprints leave . . . well, footprints. Now, whenever I set foot in the bathroom, I hyperventilate. Wipe off that water NOW, I shriek.So, Don. You're not that far Over the Hump. What do you think? Am I right or is the contractor wrong? Human Race, you seem awfully wise. Am I overreacting?
3. And how in the dickens do you get water stains out of honed marble? Skunk Feathers, you're clearly an industrious fellow. What are your tips?
4. When your kid wakes up in the morning with spikey, porcupine hair, is there a way to calm it down without causing excruciating pain or making him shower all over again? Wendy, On the Front Porch, any suggestions? Blissfully Caffeinated, does squirting coffee into their hair work?
5. Am I the only one who takes off her jewelry and tries to give it to the dental hygienist, when I'm under the giddy influence of nitrous oxide? Maven, you Know Your Teeth. What's your take on my sudden magnanimity? (And, please no Rorschach -- I can't, on Fifth Amendment grounds.)
6. Your child begs you to sign him up for underwater basket weaving. Repeatedly. And so you relent and sign him up, parting with valuable consideration in the process. After the first "lesson" he loathes the class and claims you're conspiring with the world to deprive him of having any fun. Michelle Renee, on days like this It Must Be a Full Moon. Has kiddy fickleness ever happened to you?
7. Why was my child born with a built-in candy detector. Mr. M can find it anywhere. Even if he doesn't know I've bought any. I need help. The old "because I'm the mother" double standard is not working any more. Mayor at Sasstown, what say you? And Amy Anne, would duct tape block his sugar radar?
8. Why don't meter-readers, who instantly know when your meter has expired, win the lottery more often? Those people are omniscient and omnipresent. I bet they'd hire the candy-finding Mr. M in a heartbeat. Pun Intended, you guys know about quantum physics. Does it apply here?
9. Is there any way to revive a baguette? You know, when you pull it out of the bag the next day and it's so hard you could behead a burglar with it. LadyFi, what's your quirky solution?
10. Sometimes I buy books I've already bought and read. It's embarrassing. Has this happened to anyone else? How do you regain your self-esteem? Christine, at The Book Bench, please weigh in! And Bern This, while I'm thinking about it, please send me the name of your analyst.
11. Why don't moms just speak their minds? Suburban Matron, I bet you've got some thoughts. Here's a current example for you to ponder:A mother from down the street assured me, when I called her to inquire, that she LOVED Mr. M's unannounced drop-in visits. "If it's not a good time, just tell him good-bye," I said, "And your son is equally welcome over here, any time. I'm just not game-on enough to be an organized play-dater."
"Oh, I'm all about the neighborhood and unscheduled play. Send him over anytime," she purred. But then she complained about Mr. M's impromptu visits to the teacher, making it sound like Mr. M was left to wander the neighborhood like a vagabond waif while I was busy in meetings with CPS.Becky, what's up with that? Any clue?
12. "Sticky at the pool" figured prominently in my follow-up conversation with this play-date-pooh-poohing mom. At the end-of-year pool party, I told her how sorry I was that Mr. M's unsolicited knocks on her door -- to see if her son could come out and play -- made her "uncomfortable." That I was so glad to know she didn't appreciate his "uninvited, unannounced" appearances, to find out how she really felt.
"If you have a complaint about Mr. M in the future, I do hope you'll feel comfortable coming to me directly instead of going through the teacher," I said, smiling brightly. Her response? "Umm, I don't want things to get sticky at the pool." Stiletto Mom, did I just engage in an inadvertent mom smack-down? Do these kind of moms run in your 'hood, too?
Alrighty then. Where were we? Oh, right. Seven awesome things about me.
Oh dear, I've flown way off course; this post has grown way too long. A HoneyPie meme about me is next up. And it won't be spawning. I promise.
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21 comments:
I love the way your crazy mind thinks!
Great new take on the tag! Sticky Mom sucks. Oh, and about the bagette, make tomato bread soup with roasted tomatoes and lots of good olive oil and fresh basel.
Love your meme-reversal!!
You want to know how to revive a baguette:
Whip it out of the bag.
Put it on its side.
Stick your finger at one end and make a hole. (You can eat the breadcrumbs if you like.)
Talk soothingly to it.
Then give it mouth to mouth for about five minutes.
If that doesn't do the job, then sprinkle it with water (hot, cold or holy - they should all work) and then put it in the oven. Should come out all soft and crispy.
I cannot be responsible for waterlogged baguettes...
If neither of the above techniques works, then use said hard baguette as a baseball bat and go out and play with your kids. That should keep Mr. M happy!
Oh yes - one final note about what you can do with an old baguette. Cut it horizontally and take all the break out just leaving a stale crispy shell. Put a bottle of wine or other gift inside it and give it away as a present!
Skunkfeather's tip for getting water stains out of honed marble surfaces:
1. Don't have honed marble surfaces; no water stains ;)
This is Skunkfeathers, your friendly blog cultural barbarian, with a response to your question ;)
She complained to the teacher??? What a loser.
I turn my old, stale baguettes into the most amazing meatloaf. See me after class.
As for the mean mommy thing: This isn't a challenge. Surely you could have come up with something a little more complex???
If you are NOT the world's meanest mommy--if you do not NEVER let your kids do fun stuff--if you EVER cater to their whims or let them eat cake--if you aren't staying up NIGHTS finding ways to make their lives miserable--YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
Gheezsh.
Doesn't anyone read my blog???
You are such a rebel with your meme-reversing ways!
And the playdate mom: that really chaps my hiney. Why on earth would she mention this to the teacher? I bet that the teacher has pegged her as a complaining lunatic. But if you're feeling ornery, say to her, "I gather that M's visits have been too much for you guys. Please do send your son over anytime, but don't worry, I'll keep M away from your door."
Biznatch!
I've been experimenting with 'cool and aloof' when it comes to sticky mothers (and fathers.) Drives them nuts. So satisfying.
I agree: very nice meme-reversal!
Ha! Why yes, you did start a Smack Down! The moms that run in my hood are worthy of their very own episode of "Real Housewives"...I'm not kidding.
Stale baguettes also make the most divine bread pudding btw!
This is really brilliant. Except why didn't you save a question for me that I actually knew the answer to?? :) I let my kid go out with his hair sticking up.
The other day he wandered into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and said, "Looks like another bad hair day..." Poor kid.
Like me, you probably buy books you've already read because you judge them by the cover. Or you are a sucker for a good cover. Or your brain is just fried. "Sticky at the pool" is just the funniest thing I've read in ages! I love this post!
old baguettes make the best french toast. Just be sure to use a real bread knife to saw it into 1 " slices... I have to say this because of my own past of having to live with the consequences of inappropriate use of steak knives. You're a lawyer - have you ever heard of an old baguette being used as a weapon? FUN, well done post :)
okay,, let's see. Which analyst info do you want? Only the most recent? And yes that was one mf smackdown and I believe you won! Nice going
Unfortunately candy sniffing boys grow up to become candy sniffing men. My candy sniffing dog of a husband just found my secret Milky Way candy bar I had hidden for emergencies (and he ate it).
Sorry I'm so late to the party.
Nice post! Must have been a lot of work though. I'm way too lazy to put all that thought into posting. Your marble sounds like a genuine pain; also that your contractor is an asshole who doesn't know his business.
Oh, and, granted that he doesn't have something special going on, just use a wet comb on Mr M's hair. Boys don't have the same grooming standards as girls.
Reminds me of the time my step-son was needing to use deodorant and my wife was all knotted up about telling him so she gave it to me to give to him. I just handed it to him and said 'use this'. She almost fell over but he just said 'ok' and that was that.
I cannot believe she complained to the TEACHER. What A Big Chicken She Is! If she's having discussions with the teacher then who knows what she could have told others in the neighborhood. Don't let her poison your image or spoil your summer with Mr. M.
-Hiding On An Island...
Ooops, I'm late but time stood still last week while finally viewing the Presidents' faces at Mt. Rushmore and now I am back at my daily life. Now, I can easily answer the hair question seeing how Middle Son has a double cowlick at his crown and his hair grew in as an infant sticking straight up. The key is to grow the hair longer (heck he probabaly got the cowlick from me and I never knew I had one). Then with longer hair it is still crazy in the a.m. so he turns on shower and sticks in his head. Used to use a squirt bottle of water but it took too long.
And I can tell you that I have bought the same dvd that I already had (Season Two of The Office) and that was crazy.
But about boys who sign up for stuff and then change their minds....it is usually me asking them to sign up for stuff but they don't want to. The only stuff they sign up for are sports and they hear the lecture about once you sign up you are commited to the team for the whole season. We once signed them all up for a two-week day camp out of necessity and they hated it but we were new in town and had no choice. I'm a meany.
Hello... Thanks for the link!
I didn't know we were linked. I think only when the blog itself is linked do I find out automatically.
Good observation on the meter-readers. Maybe I should find one to choose some lottery numbers for me.
Sorry to say, no duct tape needed here. You must harness his inner candy sniffing. Someday there may be a need for the top candy sniffer to SAVE THE WORLD and you will be able to hand him over. Here you go, you may use my masterpiece to save us all from certain doom.
My 10 y/o just pointed out that if the world as we know does end you might need his candy sniffing abilities to find sustenance.
If it's the ingestion of sweets that is what is really bothering you, just apply the I caught my kid smoking rule of if you like it so much try the whole pack. I give my kids 24 hours to eat their halloween candy. They get sick every single year and even if I forget to throw away what is left over they don't want to go near it. Sometimes they aren't even recovered by Christmas and this year I found petrified halloween candy when I was getting out the easter bunny baskets.
This was a cute post!
You are amazingly clever. I need a legal problem so I can hire your mind to fix it.
I cannot believe that your neighbor complained to the teacher. I think my child wouldn't be knocking on that door again.
AND it sounds like your contractor was beyond the scope of his knowledge-base when he failed to tell you about that little omitted sealing step. Just a little over-sight on his behalf. I'm sorry!
In my experience coffee does not help tame morning hair. In fact, it just adds to the gunk. Try some detangling spray (we go through a bottle a week here). Johnson's makes one that's OK, but I prefer something called Sea Plasma from a brand called Focus 21. Kind of hard to find in stores, but it costs like $5 for a big bottle and it is the shiznak.
I'd sue the contractor.
Great take on a meme!!!
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